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爱在不言不语中LoveInsilence
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神奇的馈赠DearMom
克丽斯汀·古尔德eGoold
&yyears，IamfioappreciatethemotheryouhavebeehoughJanaisohsold，IfeelIhavelearyouiimesihaninallmyyearsupandbreakinga>
AsIgoaboutmynewlifeforJana，Itlywonder，howohdidyoudoit?You，whoraisedwo，butsix.I’mstillfeelingshockwavesfromthedupheavalonechildhasmadeinmylife，andIknowthateriencedsofarisonlyaglimpse，thebaresthint，ofallyouwentthrus.
“Youlearntosacrifiyouhave.”
wasoneofyourstockphrasesingup.Toyou，sacrifiecessaryvirtue，aofparenthood.ButIdidn’tgoforthat.Isideredsaotonlyunnecessary，butunfashionableanddhtunappealingaswell.
Well，Mom，whatIsay?I’mlearning.
Lately，I’vebeguntolookonmotherhoodasaninitiationinto“reallife.”
Idon’tthinkIrealizeduntilJana’sbirththatthelifeI’dledpreviously-relativelyfree，easy，athelifeledbymostpeople-pastorpresent.Bybeother，Iseemtohaveacquiredautomaticmembershipintoauniversalclubmadeupofuiesaies，limitationsanddifficulties，aimes，unsolvableproblems.Ofcourse，theclubhasitsbeoo.
WhenJanawakesfromherafternoonnapand，sohappytoseeme，givesmeherradiantfull-facesmile，IsmilebadfeelonmyowhesmileyouusedtogivemewheheOr，whehingparticularlycute，I’llglaGary，andinthelookweexgeIseetheoneIremembergbetweenyouandDadatoppositeeable.ItwasalookfulloffeelingsIilnow.
WhenIholdJaomeandlookdowntoseemyhandtightacrossherchest，orwhenItuketaroundherwhileshesleepsandtouchtheskinofhercheek，Iseeyourhands（thhandswiththeirsmoothovalnails，steadyanddg）doihings.ThenIfeelasifsomeoftheloveayyougaveththosehandsisnowinmine，asIpassthatloveontoJana.
&herdayJanafellasleepagainstmyarImusthavespewearingather，marvelicolorofherhair，thesupplenessofherskiih，movingnowandthearushIfelt，ofloveandwonder，ofdludmore.IsuddenlyrememberedsomethingIsawonyourfacelastsummer，whenIwashomeonavisitshortlyafterJana’sbirth.
&ingonthegliderswinginthebackyard.Itwasal，coolthereintheshade，andtheairwasfullranyarden.IwasholdingJaoelemovementoftheswing.
ButIwasn’tenjoyinganythingjustthen.I’dhadaroughnight.Janawassixweeksoldandhadbeenupeveryfewhours.I，fretfulandnervousasoherbe，hadbeenhavingtroublefallingbacktosleepbetweenherfeedings.Iwasdtired，andnotfeelingcheerfulaboutthismotherhoodbusiall.
Sittingontheglider，wetalked-orrather，Italked，lettingloosemyloadofayandfrustrationsonyou.Andoutoftheblue，youreachedovertotouchmyhair.
“It’ssopretty，”
yousaid，anoddexpressiononyourface.“Thewaythesunishittingitiusticedyouhadshlightsbefore.”
Alittleembarrassed，preoccupiedwithhtsandproblems，Ishruggedoffyourent.Idon’tknowwhatIsaid，somethingshortanddismissive，nodoubt，asIwavedawaytheent.Butyourwordsaffectedme.Ithadbeenalongtimesineohingtrulybeautifulinme，andI>
IthastakehislohatthelookyougavemethatdayisthesamelookIgiveheralmostdaily.AnditmakesmewopossiblethatyoustillseethemiramethatIseeihemagiueevenwhenyrownandgoneahemselves?WillIlookatJanainthirtyyearsandstillfeelthesamerushofloveforherthatIdonow?
Italmosthurtstothinkofthatkioovulile.Ikhebarriersthatspriweeheirovertheyears，thefriisuandings，thedailyflidstruggles，theiablepullingawayandfinalbreakforindependence.IachetothinkthatsomedayJanaaveawaymytentativewordsofloveasIdidyours.
enstothatfirst，strongrushoflove?Isitloststheway，buriedbeiicalitiesfchild?Orisitthereallalong，unvoiexpressed，until，perhaps，anewchildisbornandamotherreachesouttothter’shair?
That，itseemstome，istherealmiracle:thewayamother'sloveisrediscovered，repeated，passedonagainandagain-asithasbeenhandeddowninourlivesfromyoutome，frommetoJana，andfromJaoherowisagiftinitself.
&I’vebeeosayallalongis，thanks，Mo
30年后，我终于开始体会到妈妈的苦心了。
尽管我的女儿嘉娜才只有10个月大，但我还是觉得，她出生后不久我便更加了解您的艰辛了，比我在您身边长大和离开您之后的所有日子里都更加了解。
当我开始自己照看嘉娜的新生活时，我就一直在想，您到底是如何做到这一切的？您抚养的不是我这一个孩子，也不仅是两个孩子，而是六个孩子。
我至今还在震惊于一个孩子带给我生活的巨变，而且我知道，此刻我所经历的，相对于您抚养我们的艰辛而言，才只是冰山一角，微乎其微。
“等你有了自己的孩子，就会懂得牺牲。”
在我成长的过程中，您一直这样跟我说。
在您看来，牺牲是为人父母的一个必备的美德，是必须接受的一部分。
但是，在那时，这一观点我是不认同的。
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